An Irish rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. Sean hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife Coleen has just given birth back home to a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but our hero just shrugs and replies, "Dat's about average in Oireland... like I said - me boy's one of ya typical Oirish baby boys. He’s gonna be a rugby player when he gets older. Probably in de front row!"

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'.

Two weeks later, Sean returns to the bar. The barman says, "Say Paddy, aren't you the father of the baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? The chums here have been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds about now."

The barman is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.

"What the devil has happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

Sean takes a slow swig of his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the barman and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

The fisherman went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints - 5 big baby boys!"

The Caper says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You need to get it cleaned - the babies are all black."

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

A guy is 72 years old and he loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "Hey, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Got caught wanking while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday.

Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic!

Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us!

Swine Flu is the 2009 flu pandemic is a global outbreak of a new strain of H1N1 influenza virus and it is an acute and highly contagious respiratory disease of swine caused by the orthomyxovirus.
Regards

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.

The cop said there was no reason to be scared.

The guy said "I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never fucked a cop before!"

The wealthy financier was sitting in his study when his eldest son came to him.

"Dad," the boy stammered, "I got a girl in trouble and she wants two thousand dollars to keep quiet about it." The father reluctantly wrote a check for the amount but just as he finished signing it, his second son burst in with the same bad news, only this time the amount requested was three thousand dollars.

While he was writing the second check, his youngest daughter appeared at the door of the study, weeping.

"Daddy," she sobbed uncontrollably, "I think I'm pregnant."

"Aha!" the financier exclaimed gratefully. "Now we collect!"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. So one day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly beat the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. Our best people worked for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing!" an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a biker gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tyre iron from the boot and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!""

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Err... about two minutes ago..."