Great words of advice

[bigmick]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.